I was in my room, having just slipped on my black leather jacket and heading the door. My resolve was clear, I was heading out tonight, for I did not wish to stay here and risk what I knew what would happen the longer I remained in the apartment. I thought I was scott free, having not heard nor seen him about yet. My hand had only been on the door just long enough to twist it open when a knock happened, and a voice calling my name.
"Rin?," someone spoke, the voice being all too familiar to me. For a moment I stood there silent, blinking my eyes in some mild surprise to see Esna there, standing before me in the doorway. Any hope that I had in avoiding him was now dashed.
I breathed out a sigh for brief moment, answering him, "Yes, I am still here."
Esna didn't seem to know how to respond to that, blinking at me in some surprise as well. "Er..."
Immediately I knew he could tell something was, and once again, I tried to dodge it, instead opening up the door wider and tried to sneak past him. He let me, but not without saying something.
"What's wrong, Rin...?" he asked me, a sigh accompanied his question.
At that point, I was caught, and rather then put it off, turned around and leaned a shoulder against a wall. "Am I too over protective of you or something? Am I choking your life style?"
My question must have caught him off guard, for he looked at me again with surprise and blinking his eyes again from it. "Huh?"
How typical, I thought, that he would not know what was the cause of my behavior right now. I felt some of the rage welling up inside me, and that is when I looked at him, and chose to be blunt, as I usually try to be. "You know you asked me to be your bodyguard, and I accepted that willfully. I've trained long and hard, getting myself up to par, and it gave me a focus for some of those darker days I had almost three months ago. BUT, I keep hearing of you slipping out without me. So, let me ask you again... am I too over protective or cramping your style?"
"Honestly, no. I just don't want to bother you when I'm going places I know to be safe."
"Oh yes, because fist fights never happen in a bar and broken bottles aren't deadly, " I huffed at him, the anger flowing into my words. "And I don't just mean yesterday, either. Chances are, you've probably been other nasty places, too, without my knowledge. God only knows, though, since you like to hide stuff like that, I bet."
All he could do was just sigh at me. "I see your point, though the bar in question - in fact, all the places I go to - have security which is... rather prompt about dealing with anyone being threatening."
"That stupid Eliza hit you in the nose once while you were at The Broken Piano," I had to point out to him. "Point is, if I only get to play 'bodyguard' while here, what's the point in even being one? None."
"I still think there is, but... ," Esna sighed regrettably. " I'm sorry..."
My eyes adverted from him this time, but I am sure he saw the anger within them by now. "I do not like being prevented from keeping my word, or performing my duty. I feel you are... " A heavy, confused sigh slipped through my lips. "I do not know. I partially feel you are doing this to protect me," replied, letting him know how I felt. It was true, I knew he was protective of me, which was the irony because I am the Cyberknight under his service ... I should be protecting him instead.
"Somewhat, yes....," Esna confirmed to me, but I could tell there was more to it.
"Is there another reason?," I questioned, waiting as if I was about to hear something new.
"Like I said, I just didn't want to pester you while you were busy..."
"I am not usually busy, so that is not a good excuse."
"And if you are?"
"It is my job and my tasking, nothing else should be as important as that," I replied, letting a heavy sigh slip out of my lips again before continuing. "Or ... it was my job."
"...was?" He sounded confused by that little word.
"You don't need a bodyguard. You never did. So as much as I hate breaking my word ... I'm not going to do it anymore." I retrieved my sunglasses from a jacket pocket, readying to slip them over my eyes. It pained me some to say that to him, but it was true. He never really let me do what I was tasked to do, and there really was just no point in saying I was his bodyguard anymore.
"Not like that will matter much, as I am still owned..., " I added shortly there after.
"I won't force you to do anything; you know that... but... I would wish you reconsider?" He almost sounded hopeful that I would right then, or I thought he did, anyway.
"No promises on that." I was starting to let it slip then, how much it had hurt to break my word to someone I trusted so much. I had no choice but to just put on the sunglasses in at that moment, to hide my eyes from him further. I didn't really want to stick around any longer, I knew what was next if I stayed there. I immediately turned around, and briskly walked to the stairs, starting to tread my way down them.
Esna gave me a brief nod before replying. "I won't ask for one... just to consider it. I know... I might not show it all the time... but I do try to care for you and your duties, even if I sometimes go about it wrong."
"I might consider it." I stopped right then and there, but I am not sure why. I should have just kept on going, but I did not. Instead I put a hand up against the nearby wall an lingered there. "But you are going to do as you have always done, though. I do not think my part in protecting you really matters right now, and I do not wish to nag you about it. I will still be there for random assaults to free slaves and beat down terrible holders, though. That I will promise to..." For Amitel, I thought. I owed it to that little girl to partake in endeavors like that.
It was then, for the first time during that entire conversation, he let a frown slip onto his face. "Alright..."
I looked back when I should not have, for the moment I saw that frown, I started to feel terrible about what I had just done. A frown of my own slipped onto my own slips shortly after. "... don't look at me like that. It is not like I am leaving ..."
The man smiles at me again, but time, it's a sad one. "Sorry... just feel like I've failed you somehow."
My hand on the wall slipped down at that time, and I let it fall to my side idly. I started to hang my head low, feeling a wave of guilt wash over me now. "You did not... sorry for making you feel that way, though," the words poured out of my mouth softly, but I could not hide the sadness I was starting to feel any longer.
"No, it's... not your fault... at all."
"Yes it is... I have duty and loyalty issues... issues are, they are high, when need be." I could not bare to look at him any longer, and thus he remained looking at just the back of my jacket.
"As do I...."
Silence flooded the room now as I just stood in place there, my back still facing him. I do not know what it is about this man that gets me so. I use to be so stubborn, forsaking the touch of other people and forgetting about letting them close. I use to just not care. But he ... he did it. He slipped through my walls of defense where so few have before. He did it with patience, kindness, and caring ... and now ... I find it hard to hide much from him, despite clinging to dwindling old habits that never win anymore.
Even now, standing here in silence, I feel horrible. I came into this angry at him, but that look on his face, the sad smile ... it got to me. I did what I thought was for the better of both of us, and I feel it made it worse. I started to loose it, right then and there. The pain coming out in the quiet tone I used to finally break that silence.
"... I feel terrible, as if I did something horrible to you just now, every time I peek back at your face. Damn you, for ... being one of the few people who ... helped me remember what it's like to care and be cared about in return..." Underneath my glasses, I could feel the tears starting to form in the corners of my eyes.
He just stood there, letting a sigh escape from his mouth. "I'm... sorry..."
I couldn't handle standing there any longer, and made my way down the stairs. No longer did I feel like walking out the door, or could I. Not like this, for anyone one else to see. The couch became my next seat, sitting there as I placed my arms on my thighs, hanging my head low. My hair covered my already hidden eyes, preventing the tears from being seen further.
I heard his footsteps coming down the stairs, but I made little reaction to it. I didn't know what to say, or do, but just let the silent tears flow. For what seemed like forever, that is what happened, I cried silently, and I knew all too well he was just watching. Though the foot steps were heard again, approaching me and shortly after I could feel someone sit by me the very moment I had to wipe the tears away from under the glasses.
"Hey... I'm still going to be here for you, alright?," Esna tried to reassure me, as I felt his hand placed on my shoulder.Though I just couldn't help it anymore, forgetting the fact he might not like it, I leaned my side against his own, and hope he would not push away. I wanted that comfort of someone holding me now. A moment passed, but I finally felt that arm go around my shoulder, and remain there.
"S'gonna be alright, Rin..."
I did not care any more if he saw, and fumbled with one of my hands to remove the dark shades from my eyes. Quietly I uttered, "......I feel like a sissy for crying."
"Don't. Sometimes we have to let things out..."
"Yes, but I started to cry because I made you feel terrible."
"And...? That's no different, Rin. Nor is it 'sissy' either."
I said nothing more for the longest time after that, remaining in my somber quiet mood. Esna seemed okay to let that happen, continuing to allow me to lean against is side like that. In between the dispersed silences, a few random topics were spoke here and there, never lasting too long. It stayed that way till he needed rest, where he seemed a bit reluctant to leave my side at first, despite my small encouragement him to sleep. Long after he went to bed, I remained sitting there alone in the dim silence of the room, my mood remaining the same. Sleep krept up on me at some point, and I ended up sleeping there for the night, till I awoke the next morning for training.
As far as I know, he never saw me there that morning, and perhaps, that is for the best.
